


Amitābha

by Lwoorl



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Character death tag is bc Gon and Killua died at the start, Kite lives, M/M, Not edited yet, but no one important actually dies for real
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-10
Updated: 2021-02-10
Packaged: 2021-03-16 13:35:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,770
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29333166
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lwoorl/pseuds/Lwoorl
Summary: Neferpitou kills Gon and Killua instead of Kite. They're eaten, and then reborn as ants.
Relationships: Gon Freecs & Killua Zoldyck, Gon Freecs/Killua Zoldyck
Comments: 3
Kudos: 10





	1. Squadron Leader

**Author's Note:**

> I've been working on this story for....... a while. And I honestly think it'll read better as a single very long chapter, in fact that's the single reason I've avoided posting it so far, but........ I really really really want to show off what I got so far!  
> And besides, maybe posting what I have already written will help me figure out how I want to continue it, cause I've been struggling on how to continue this for... I think longer than a year. Yikes.  
> So. Be warned. This likely will not update in a while... if ever...

The first thing he sees is a pair of blue circles. Two eyes, he realizes, without eclera nor pupils, ant eyes, on an ant face.

"Are you alright?" the ant- _His squadron leader-_ asks, extending one of their four hands towards him. He takes it and stands up. 

"I'm ok." he answers. The ant's jaws close and open, in a way he instinctively knows is a smile, and their wings flutter a bit.

...Wings? Oh… Now that he notices, this isn't an ant. Well, it _is_ an ant, the same way _he_ is an ant, but they don't look like an ant the way the Queen does. They have a pair of gray wings and a collar of white fuzz around their neck and shoulders, as well as a pair of antennas way too big and hairy for an ant. 

The other eggs that are also being born finish hatching and come to kneel in front of them. Because he's just an officer, and this is his squadron leader, he does the same. The moth doesn't look pleased at this, their wings wrap around themself like a cloak and their antennas fall, just low enough to be noticeable.

"Get up." they order, and it could be a general command. After all, everyone follows, but, somehow, he gets the impression it was directed just at him. "We have work to do." 

The troop moves forward, the underlyings easily joining their respective officer as they leave the nursery room. His own group is made out of six drudges, five peons. It will grow with time. 

The moth stops just outside the nest, pairing the other three officers together, and quickly sends them on their way, pointing some directions, telling them not to come back until they have at least one human for each member of their group. Then, turning towards him. "Your group will follow me." And without waiting for an answer they open their wings and take fly. 

He watches as they become a little dark figure in the sky, turns towards the soldiers: "You heard them, let's go!" and starts to run. 

* * *

They reach a small human village, sandwiched between the edge of the forest and a river. It's early enough a piece of the moon can still be seen hanging over the sky, but that doesn't stop the small town of nine or ten huts from itching with movement as the humans leave their homes to begin their daily activities. 

Their leader lands on the tallest building at the center, causing the humans to run and get scattered around while he and the rest approach from the trees.

Picking them out is easy from there, he orders the soldiers to take care of anyone who enters the forest, while the moth blocks the bridge that would serve as the only other escape route. The humans are clumsy, stinky, and have bad vision in the early, pre-dawn dark. It's easy to find them, even more so to pick them. The only reason they don't get everyone ends being the lack of hands to carry all the meat. Absently, he thinks it would have been more efficient to come in one single, bigger unit, like the other officers who were ordered to go together, but who's him to question the squadron leader?

"Let's go." said leader says, once all the soldiers are carrying at least two bodies each, and everyone starts moving back towards the nest. This time the moth doesn't fly, he notices, and instead walks right beside him, throwing him looks now and then. 

"...You did a good job." they finally say during their way home, not quite looking at him. 

"Thank you!" is his answer, alongside a big smile that shows all his fangs, while his tails move right and left behind him. The moth stares at that for a moment, and then gives him their own version of a grin, their wings opening and closing in sinc with his tails. 

"If you want to, umm…" they start, with their two free arms crossed in front of their chest, projecting calmness, even though the way their antennas keep twitching seems like a nervous tick. "We can do something after we bring her food, or something."

"Is that an order?"

"No!" they exclaim, wings opening wide and hands closing into fists. The entire group pauses for a moment, but after he gives no reaction the moth collects themself and goes back to trying for nonchalant. "It's an invitation, you understand?... Only say yes if you want to."

"I would love to!" he assures, and they go back to being all smiles. 

* * *

They sit at a big entrance, five or so floors up into the nest, their feet dangling over the edge as he stares at the forest that extends below. They're spending time together, he supposes, there's not much to talk about given that he was just born today, and the moth isn't saying much else. Instead, they just watch him, eyes fixed on his profile, not even trying to dissimulate the stare. 

It's still nice though, it feels… almost familiar, somehow, sitting like this, staring at the dark forest as the sun finishes taking its place on the sky. Just, being next to someone.

Two other ants return at that moment, a hawk and a bee, not really coming together, just reaching the nest at the same time, flying through the same aperture, carrying around five humans in total. He hears a snippet of their conversation as they walk by, something like "Tayu! Long no see!" and "Oh, hey Naileia!"

"What's that?" he asks, turning towards the moth, "The words they used when they saw each other?"

"It's… their names. Don't you know what a name is?"

He shakes his head. The moth keeps on with the stare, but their antennas fall down again.

"It's a human concept," they begin to explain, their eyes finally leaving him. "It's like a code word to distinguish yourself from others. It helps with communication, so most have started using it."

"Hm." he hums, eyes back to the forest. "You have a name too?"

"Shiro, for now." his companion says, his wings closing and opening a bit as he does so. 

"For now?"

"What about you?" Shiro ignores the question, instead asking his own, "Any idea of what you want to be called?"

He takes a moment to think. He wants… something short, it has to be a one syllable thing, that's the only thing he's sure about. He picks the first sound that comes to mind.

"Kan."

Shiro's antennas stutter, the air around him turning bitter. "That was… quick." 

Kan shrugs. "Wasn't it supposed to be?"

"Well, you can change your mind later if you feel like it." Shiro concludes. Kan nods, even though he doesn't think he's going to change it anytime soon. Naming oneself more than once sounds cumbersome. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Simple sketch of Killua 'Shiro' 's design: 
> 
> https://ibb.co/n1bpdN4  
> https://ibb.co/2k8xG15
> 
> Haven't drawn Kan but like. He's a fox. He's just a fox person, a person with a fox head, he's just a fox with multiple tails. 
> 
> I must warn you I'll use the notes to ramble my head off about the story and the things I might change or keep or whatever because this is pretty much a in-real-time writing of a wip. So. I will write spoilers in the notes, so don't read them if you don't want to read spoilers. You've been warned.


	2. Shiro

"Why do you treat me differently?" Kan asks, as they come back from leaving the bodies for Pig to prepare.

It's been a short time, but he's mostly used to being alive by now. The first day, after going to that village, he spent it with Shiro, as he pointed at the different squadron leaders and officers giving Kan his own thoughts on them: Simple, neutral things like "That one's Peggy, he likes to study human culture and takes care of the library, ask him if you have any questions about anything." or more personal, but equality useless ones such as "That's Hina, she keeps calling me stupid nicknames and I hate her." 

The second day was spent solely on hunting, because, as he was told, someone called Zem made a mistake, walking into a village and making a show of destroying a couple of houses without actually catching any of the humans, so a good number of prey ended scattering into the terrains nearby and they had to go and pick them one by one before they got too far away. 

This time all the officers and their underlyings participated, but Kan noticed, as the hunt went along, Shiro always stayed at viewing distance from him. 

It made Kan think the reason his group went separated from the other officers the first day was because Shiro wanted to go with him, specifically, but he couldn't figure out why in the world that would be the case, so he didn't mention it. 

They started at midday. By the time all the humans were collected the sun had already set. They then returned to the nest, ate some food and went to sleep. 

And now that Kan thinks about it, Shiro made some conversation on the way back, mostly complaining about the other squadron leader that made the humans run away in the first place. Kan nodded and laughed along, and Shiro smiled when Kan told a joke, but when another officer tried to join in the conversation Shiro silenced her with a glare. 

The third day, Shiro left to do reconnaissance on a human village, supposedly to choose the path they would take when going there on foot, and after he didn't come back for two hours Kan left to explore the forest. 

He lost the notion of time there, sharpening his claws against trees and enjoying the sun, he got a weird feeling when taking a turn around an oak tree and ended following an invisible path he knew by heart, even though he had never seen it before. 

Walking at first, but, eventually, as his footsteps were gaining speed, running in all four, jumping over rocks and bushes, turning left near the entrance to a bear's cave, he finally came to a stop in front of a clearing, breathing heavily. 

At first, he didn't know why his feet led him there, until he spotted a bit of terrain at the feet of a fallen trunk where the earth had been removed, small piles of twigs and foliage dispersed around the destroyed fox den. 

Kan doesn't… He didn't know  _ why, _ exactly, but he started filling the hole, gathering the twigs around it, flattening the terrain. And then, once it was completely covered, set a big rock on top.

He returned to the ant nest then, not sure of what all  _ that  _ had been about, and when he was two thirds of the way back something landed next to him.

"Where were you?!" Shiro exclaimed, two arms on his hips, the other two moving wildly as he spoke. 

Because he wasn't sure how to explain, Kan just answered with "I was exploring the forest while you were gone." and then asked if they were going to go hunt now that Shiro came back. 

Shiro crossed his arms and took a deep breath, his shoulders relaxing a little, and casually answered "We just came back from that, you missed the entire incursion." 

"Oh." Kan replied, ears and tails falling, expecting the hard punishment that never came.

Instead, Shiro just shrugged, told him "Don't do that again." and left with a punch on the shoulder, hard enough to hurt, but not so much for the pain to last.

Now is the fourth day, and Kan's finally decided to ask. So he does.

And then Shiro looks at him right on the eye and dares to say: "I have no idea what you're talking about, I treat you normally." 

"That's… a bold-faced lie though?" 

"Don't worry about that." Shiro insists, shrugging and moving on, changing of topic to this or that thing. That's a terrible answer, and if Kan wasn't convinced the special treatment was intentional, now he knows for sure. 

He tries to ask again, but Shiro keeps pushing away the issue, and when he mentions something about a place he likes to visit a couple kilometers away from here Kan can't help but to ask to see it, and on the argument that spawns from that the original question gets forgotten.

Kan is still curious, and most likely will still ask again sometime in the future, but for now, getting a  _ "Yes, I'll show you my secret place." _ takes priority. 

* * *

"Hey, Shiro."

"Yes?"

They're in a small, half demolished house at the feet of a mountain. It's the 'secret place' Kan somehow convinced Shiro to show him. The roof is gone, and there's no longer a separation between rooms other than the marks on the floor teasing a partition, but all four exterior walls stand, and on the wooden columns at the center that once helped support the ceiling a cloth has been hanged, helping to keep part of it in the shadow. 

Calling the interior sparse would be an understatement, as the only pieces of furniture scattered around the space are two wooden benches, old and moldy, a table, and a bed frame without bedding. Still, the remnants of food thrown in one corner, fish bones and fruit seeds, and the white fuzzy hairs left here and there let it be known Shiro has been coming to rest here, if not often, at least consistently. 

Kan lies over his stomach on the naked floor, where grass has started to grow, as Shiro watches from above, sitting on the arm of the bench next to where he lies.

"Can you use nen?" Kan asks, body relaxed and head resting on his pawns. Shiro tips his head to a side and raises a finger, pointing at the empty space next to his face. Instinctively, Kan concentrates energy into his eyes and a message appears in the air.  _ 'Same as you, no?' _

"I can't really use it." Kan replies, "I can't make anything fancy or cool like I've seen others do. It's just there, but I don't know how to  _ use it."  _

"You just used gyo, what are you even talking about?"

"Gyo?"

"You, seriously." Shiro sighs, his wings opening wide behind him, then shrinking again, as if synchronised with his lungs. "Just now, how you put more aura into your eyes. That's gyo. That's a nen technique."

"Eh, really?!"

"Ten, zetsu, ren, hatsu. The major principles, all other uses of nen are based on these. You already use them." 

"I don't even know what those are." he complains, "Don't be so mean and explain it, come on Shiro!"

Being unable to roll his eyes, Shiro moves his head in a circle instead. "Ten. Keeping your aura flowing around your body." He points at Kan. "You're doing it right now." 

Kan raises his hands to look at them, certainly, around his fingers the translucent aura swirls. Hm. He supposes that's true.

"Two. Zetsu." Shiro goes on, "Stopping the flow of aura to hide your presence.  _ I have seen you do it."  _

Hiding his presence. That sounds easy, so he does so, as he would for a hunt. Shiro nods. 

"Ren. Projecting as much aura as possible." 

That isn't hard either, he sits up, takes a deep breath, and urges the energy to come out as strong and fast as possible. It's simple, but it's tiring, so after a few minutes he stops.

"And then lastly hatsu. The manifestation of your personal nen."

"My personal nen?" That's really vague. Kan doesn't know what to do with that. 

"There are five, well, six categories of nen and everyone falls into one. You're an enhancer so, I don't know, focus your aura into your fist and punch something." 

"How do you know that I'm an enhancer?" he asks, "Can you tell the category of one's nen just by looking at them?" Shiro stills for a moment, and then his antennas stand up as he turns to stare at Kan.

"Well… I think you are…  _ aren't you?"  _

Kan shrugs. He doesn't even know what the categories are, how would he know? 

Shiro stands up. 

"I'll go get the water." 

* * *

"Ah, it's overflowing!"

"Told you so." 

"Amazing! How did you know?!"

"You're dumb. Enhancers are dumb. Easy."

"Ah?! Shiro! Nooo!" 

* * *

At Kan's request, they start training. It's not really necessary: Their abilities are good enough to face the humans that use weapons, and he can't speak for Shiro, but Kan hasn't found a single rare human yet. Even so, spending his time when he isn't hunting by loitering around the nest or the forest isn't exceptionally fun, and since Shiro already helped him know his nen type, it just felt natural to take it from there. 

The training is simple, but fun. They mostly face each other at what Kan's started to call  _ "their secret base"  _ and fight until one of them nails the first punch. If Shiro is in a bad mood, or tired, or is simply losing and decides to take a break, Kan sets up some builders and hits them while concentrating nen into his fists while Shiro watches. 

It isn't anything fancy or special, like the techniques he knows the squadron leaders and other officers have, but Shiro assured him that for an enhancer simply powering up his natural strength is not a bad strategy, and Kan believes him.

It's been 6 days since he was born. 

It's a slow morning for those who can't fly, stuck doing nothing while everyone who's got wings helps find new human conglomerations at the south. So, bored, Kan decides to train. 

He dessimates some docens of rocks, and after, when he grows bored of that, he comes up with the idea of seeing how long he can make his ren last. It feels like hours, but by the time he falls on the ground, his body feeling like it's burning and his mouth opening and closing as he gasps for air, the sun doesn't seem like it has moved all that much.

He rests there, breathing, and even after his energy comes back just staring at the clouds is enjoyable, so he doesn't get up. He starts tracing figures over them, a cat, a tree, a heart, a fish, and it's as he's doing this that he spots a winged silhouette flying against that one horse shaped cloud.

It gets bigger and bigger, approaching the ground. Kan doesn't bother taking his eyes off the sky, not even as Shiro lands next to him with a soft  _ 'thump' _ . 

"What are you doing?"

"Cloud gazing." Kan answers, scotting away a little when Shiro, moving to lie next to him, smacks his face with a wing.

"Is it fun?" Shiro asks, all six limbs extended as much as he can (eight? Are wings limbs?), occupying way more space he has any right to. It makes Kan smile. 

"A bit." He answers, stretching his own body like a starfish, even straining to get his ears to stand straight. It doesn't compare to the space Shiro's wings can hold at all. Even his tails, long enough for the tips to sometimes get dirty trailing on the floor as he walks, all six of them combined occupy just about half the area of one single wing. How unfair. "I've gotten into it. I like it"

"Hm. Can I cloud gaze too?" Shiro asks, even though he's already lying on his back, facing the sky.

"Sure."

They stay there, making forms out of the clouds. Or, at least that's what Kan is doing, he isn't sure about Shiro.

"Shiro." Kan calls him, just because he wants to ask if he really is also looking at the clouds or not, but gets ignored. He sighs and goes back to cloud watching. So they aren't talking for now, it seems. That's ok, silence is good sometimes too.

It must be around fifteen minutes after when Shiro starts humming a song and Kan can't help but to sing along. He doesn't wonder why he knows the melody already, and even if he did, he would have forgotten that question by the time he falls asleep. 

* * *

Thanks to the reconnaissance mission of the morning they're able to find a decently sized human population just past the nearby mountain. Shiro's group joins with Colt's due to the overabundance of meat, but really, it's more like they're tailing them more than anything.

All of Colt's underlyings are able to fly, while in Shiro's squadron the only ones capable are a hawk called Tam and then Shiro himself. By the time they reach the other side of the mountain Colt's group will have finished and left, and they will be left to pick the leftovers that were able to get away. 

They're kind of the pick up leftovers team, he's come to realize. Humans are stubborn and practice wishful thinking, even after thoroughly raiding a place, it will just be a matter of time for it to be populated again. 

Kan doesn't know if Shiro prefers hunting in places that have already been walked on, or if it's just luck he gets left with those assignments, but by now it seems like the other ants have noticed the pattern well enough to feel comfortable going to them when an important number of prey runs away, or when they can't be bothered to fully comb a zone, or when it's just too  _ boring _ to finish a job, and then they have to, well, to pick up leftovers. It's not like it bothers him, but it's a little bothersome. 

"Shiro," he calls. Shiro, walking beside him, doesn't respond. 

"Shiro," he tries again. He could try a third, and get ignored again. Instead Kan just yanks one of his antennas, "Hey, don't ignore me."

"Ah!" Shiro stops and finally turns towards him, "Ah, Kan. That's assault to a superior, you know?" 

"Yes, yes." he rolls his eyes, "You're distracted." 

"I guess." Shiro answers. Kan pouts. 

"Distracted by…?"

"Distracted." Shiro shrugs, "Just thinking about something, don't pay it any mind." 

"Right. Say, I still don't get why you aren't just flying there."

"I always do that, so I have to walk with everyone now and then. Having the leader always absent is bad for morale, how am I going to stay aware of what my subordinates think if I never interact?"

He says that, but really everyone's so spread out while crossing the mountain it's like they are the only ones here. So, what Shiro  _ really _ means is something along the lines of... "So you're basically saying you wanted to spend time with me?" he says.

Ah, there it is, that tick of the scape. The way Shiro's antennas go straight for just a second is all the confirmation Kan needs.

"Anything you wanted to talk about? Or do you just like staring at my face that much? Hm?" Kan asks with a wink. Shiro looks at him, looks down, then at his right, left and crosses four arms in front of his chest.

"Well, this was fun. But I need to go interact with someone else. Leader stuff, leader stuff," he mumbles, starting to walk away. "Hasa and Dao are in that direction right? I better go talk with them now, see you Kan. Great chat!"

"Ah, you're running away." Kan points out, but Shiro still keeps moving while muttering something about teamwork or whatever. Kan laughs. 

As predicted, they begin to emerge at the other side of the mountain just in time to see Colt's team flying overhead and back towards the ant colony. 

"Tam is going to ask to be transferred to Colt's squadron." he hears someone say besides him. Another officer, a porcupine called Mint. 

"Is she now?"

Mint points at something, Kan follows his gaze. Sitting on one of the thatched roofs the hawk in question stares wishfully as the other flying ants leave, a half-dead human hanging from her talons. 

"Our squadron isn't the most popular one to be in, is it?" Kan wonders out loud. Mint pats him on the shoulder and moves forward, leaving the woods that surround the settlement. He takes that as a resounding  _ yes.  _

There are still some humans lurking outside, kneeling on the ground and fixing their stares into the sky, but most are inside the houses, cowering under beds or inside closets, and of course, there's also the few ones that somehow managed to reach the woods' edge. Kan moves from human to human, flicking a finger against their heads. Sometimes they will run or hide, and that will be a little fun for a moment, but they don't really pose resistance once he reaches them, and seeing them fall down isn't interesting at all. 

Honestly, Kan can't blame Tam if she leaves. He might have done so himself if it wasn't because of Shiro being his friend. The work isn't exactly the most stimulating thing to do. 

He enters a house and he finds a barking dog. Kan bends over to try and pet it, and while distracted by it someone runs through the door.

"Ah." He can't let any prey get away, so he gives chase. 

He follows until finally cornering it inside the biggest building at the center of the town, its doors wide open and the center filled with statues. 

The human rests its back against one of the walls, right under one of the ornamented windows, its light falling and reflecting on every single one of the human's long hairs. On its hands, Kan notices just now, there's a smaller human, clinging to the big one's clothes with one hand, and in the small one's other hand, there's an even smaller, but faker human, made out of rags and straw. 

Both humans yell something as Kan approaches and the big one shakes its fist up and down as if that would do anything. He taps the big one on the side of the head and it promptly tips over, just a bit of blood splattering from its temple.

The small one doesn't try to run, still clinging to the clothes of the one that was carrying it, but its eyes are fixed on Kan's face. He's about to poke this one's head too, when he feels three hands pushing him away and he trips. 

He raises his head just in time to see the small human begin to run, only to immediately fall down, its neck twisted in a weird angle, and there's Shiro, standing right beside the corpse.

"If you wanted to hunt that one so badly you could have asked." Kan whines, standing up and dusting himself off. He waits for a reply, it doesn't come. Shiro stares at the smallest, fakest human, his posture rigid, wings perfectly wrapped around him. His body still as the rock statues that surround them. 

"What's wrong? Shiro?" Kan takes a tentative step towards him. Shiro turns around then, and covers the distance between them in two long strides. 

"Don't do that…" he simply says, voice low and hoarse. 

"...Don't do what?"

"Don't kill children." Shiro clarifies, holding Kan by the shoulders and arms. "Leave that to me, or if I'm not around, ask someone else,  _ anyone else, _ but  _ you  _ can't do it." Shiro's breathing hitches and his shoulders jump. The next word comes more as a gasp than proper speech.  _ "Please." _

"Why-" he starts to ask, but shuts up as Shiro shakes his head.

"It's an order." he states, voice back to normal. "Don't question it. It's an order from your direct superior, that's enough, right?"

_ Oh.  _

Well then. 

"Understood." Kan kneels down. It's like an automatic, well practiced motion, even though the only other time he did it was when he was just born. It's an instinct. Judging by the way Shiro shrinks and looks away at the display Kan might have to work on not kneeling again in response to his orders in the future though.

"If you understand then it's fine." Shiro mutters, and walks away. 

* * *

See, Kan is dense and oblivious and blunt and sometimes even self absorbed, he  _ knows _ that _.  _ He was able to realize those things about himself fairly quickly, even with how short of a time he's, well,  _ existed. _ But, also, for the most part he's still able to tell when people are upset. More importantly, he's able to tell when  _ he _ made people upset. So he knows he did something wrong for Shiro to get like that. 

He isn't sure if it was trying to kill the small human— The kid, he reminds himself, trying to kill the kid, or if it was asking why he shouldn't have, or kneeling or what, but for the rest of the hunt, anytime he looked at Shiro his posture would be all too tense, his shoulder too stiff, like a cord about to snap. Kan tries to talk to him –to apologize– once the operation is over, but when he is just beginning to walk towards him Shiro opens his wings and takes flight. 

The same avoidance repeats after returning to the nest, with Shiro doing his best at staying out of reach, hovering on the sky and later perched on the exterior of the construction, somewhere away from the windows, where people bound to the ground will be unable to get to him. Shiro stays there, on a protruding ledge, not even looking down, for the entire day, and when Kan looks up to find him just calmly eating away at a piece of fish that he somehow gained at some point he just decides that's  _ enough.  _

He knows he did something wrong, but whatever it was, how is he supposed to do  _ anything  _ about it if Shiro just keeps ignoring him? And it's not fair, really, for him to be mad when Kan doesn't even know what he did to deserve it.

So he stands a good distance away from the tower, looks at Shiro's position, and then memorizes the trees around. 50m? No, 52m. He enters the nest and moves up until he's reached that height. 

This floor has less apertures than the others, but still enough, he looks for the trees. So by the angle… 15 steps to the right? He places himself in front of the wall that –if he did this right– separates him from the ledge, and taking a deep breath pours nen into his fist. 

It gives away easily, the wall cracking with a damp  _ 'pomp',  _ accompanied by a surprised yelp. Kan reaches and grabs whatever he can catch, an ankle, he thinks. Shiro's wings flutter around him, trying to get away, but he was unprepared while Kan knows exactly what he wants to do, so it's just a matter of giving a good pull and both of them are rolling in a heap inside the structure. 

"Kan what the fuck?!" Shiro screeches as soon as he realizes the identity of his attacker, sitting up and running his hands over his wings, inspecting for tears or holes. 

"Sorry!" Kan sits up.

"You better be!" Shiro continues, turning to glare at him once he's satisfied with the state of his wings. "You almost gave me a heart attack!" 

"No, I mean, I'm sorry but not about that." Kan corrects, and Shiro's head twists, two arms resting on his chest while the other two take place against his hips, his collar ruffled and one antenna held higher than the other in a  _ 'What the fuck are you talking about now'  _ kind of expression. Kan sighs. 

"Earlier I did something that bothered you, so I'm sorry." 

Shiro stares for three, two, one, and then brings a palm to his face. "You have no idea what you're apologizing for, do you?" 

Kan shrugs. Shiro brings another hand to his face and lets go of a long sigh, his back curving forward as he rests his forehead against his knees. He stays like that for half a second, then shakes himself out of it. "I accept your apology." he says, sounding… defeated? Kan doesn't pay that attention and just smiles. 

"Thank you, Shiro." 

When he says his name, Shiro looks away, just a bit, a tiny bit, like he's looking at the spot over Kan's shoulder while trying to make it look like he isn't avoiding his eyes. He might not have noticed if it was anyone else, but because of the way Shiro's eyes work, if he wants to shift his sight at all he needs to move his head, and that movement, although subtle, is harder to miss than a flick of some pupils. 

"What's wrong?" he asks, scotting closer, and now Shiro properly looks away, his head turning abruptly. 

"It's nothing important, just..." he mutters. 

"Just?" 

Shiro sighs "That name. I've been thinking of changing it for a while now." 

Kan blinks. "Oh."

"This is actually not the first name I pick, you know?" Shiro says, wings folding around him, "I thought this one would be alright but…"

"So you're going to change it." Kan repeats, finishing digesting the idea.

"If that's… ok with you." Shiro mutters and Kan's eyebrows raise in confusion.

"It's your name, so what does it have to do with me?"

"Just… If I change my name, will you call me by it?" he asks, and he looks… unsure. Kan doesn't like that look, and promptly answers:

"Obviously! Do you really think I would call you by the wrong name?!"

"...No, I guess you wouldn't." Shiro smiles. Or. No, not Shiro anymore, right? Hm.

"So, what is your new name gonna be? Or maybe you need help picking one?" Kan asks, as his mind goes through the last steps to separate the word 'Shiro' from the person in front of him. His friend looks down, one hand moving up to tangle their fingers in their collar's fur. And Kan is finally able to cut the word off one second before they open their mouth.

"No, I thought of a new one just fine, it's just a little…"

"Stop rambling and tell me! I wanna know! Come on!" he demands.

"Sure, sure…." They sigh. "So… Polly. My name is Polly."

"Polly, eh?" 

"...Is it bad?" Polly asks, her voice coming weirdly soft. Kan shakes his head.

"I like it! Polly it is, then."

"I… Yeah."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _"If you understand then it's fine." Shiro mutters, and walks away._  
>  ^I'm not happy with this sentence, I want the scene to end strongly, with Killua delivering a strong line. This is very much not a strong line, but I can't quite find something good for him to say. I accept ideas. 
> 
> Also do you think the change on times is well done at the beginning? I think it went well, I think it's easy to understand what is happening when, but also I get how jumping from the middle of a scene to recount something that happened before to then jump back to the scene can be jarring if not pull off well and there's something about that transition that bugs me hmmm....


	3. Polly

Kan is taking a walk through the upper sections of the nest, returning from spending the entirety of one of his free hours gazing at the forest below, when someone calls after him:

"You! The second leader of the pick-up team! You're an enhancer, right?!" 

He turns around and there's… Ah, he's an officer from Colt's squadron and Kan's _so sure_ he was told his name at some point but can't remember right now. 

"Polly is the squadron leader, I'm just an officer." he responds instead of answering the question. The other ant scoffs. 

"Do I look like I care?! So. Enhancer, right?" Kan nods. 

"Great!" the guy exclaims, "I need you to come with me!"

"Sure." Kan says, because his squadron is free right now, so he has time, and the guy immediately grabs his wrist and starts dragging Kan alongside him. "Nice to meet you, I'm Kan. You are?"

The ant glares at him as if offended with the question, but still spits a "Rammot." and then falls silent as he guides them wherever he's guiding them to. 

After they've descended a couple of floors, Kan asks, "Where are we going?"

"Neferpitou-sama needs enhancer users for a project." 

_Oh._

That is...

"Hey, what do you think you're doing?!" Rammot yells at him as Kan pulls him to a stop.

Kan stares at him, his feet rooted to the floor for some inexplicable reason. "Neferpitou?" he hears himself ask.

Rammot looks like he's about to yell again when he sees… something in Kan's expression, and his angered face smooths over.

"Don't be a fucking coward." Rammot says, exasperated, "I went through it already and she didn't hurt me one bit. Neferpitou-sama just needs more samples, she isn't going to gut you." 

Kan blinks. Rammot yanks at his arm. They resume walking.

The first member of the royal guard to wake up is standing at the center of a huge room filled with rubble as an elk-looking ant charges forward, his fists shining red. 

Neferpitou doesn't even try to evade the atack, accepting the flood of punches as if it was nothing but a breeze. It's only when the elk ant has exhausted all his energy that she raises an arm. Kan takes a step forward on instinct, then a step back.

Neferpitou touches the ant on the center of the forehead. He flies three meters away, lies on the floor for a moment, and then stands up. Mostly unharmed.

Only then does she turn towards him and Rammot. "Oh, is that the next one?!" she says, smiling. 

"What are you doing?" Kan can't help but to ask. Neferpitou's smile grows wider.

"I'm creating a training room!" She exclaims, jumping from foot to foot in her excitement. "But my puppets ended being way too strong for the first participants! So now I need to know what the average soldiers can take without dying. Enhancers are great for measuring raw strength!" 

That… makes sense, he supposes. "What… should I do?"

"Just hit her as hard as you can." Rammot tells him as he pushes Kan forward. "Even an idiot can do it."

That sounds easy. Kan walks forward, to the center of the room, and stands before the royal guard. She smiles at him. Carefree and happy.

"Then... I'll start." he says, vending his knees a little, joining his hands, turning one into a fist, pulling them back, getting into position.

He starts gathering nen into his fist. Neferpitou gives him a thumbs up.

She's completely sure he can't even scratch her, isn't she? She smiles, and gets excited about her projects, and doesn't care about hurting anyone else. It's just a game for her. Kan's life, Polly's, everyone else's, it's all just bright toys to chase away boredom, aren't they?

Can she feel guilt for her actions? She probably can't. 

The energy gets pulled tighter, and tighter, the ball he forms keeps sucking as much as it can, all the nen in his body, every single drop of warmth, it rushes to that hand, leaving nothing but a coldness that seeps and sinks into his muscles, past his bones, down to the very center of his body, making a nest inside his ribs, biting there, swallowing, and Kan's awareness is reduced to the numbness in his chest and the burning hot fire growing, shining, lashing out inside his fist... and that smiling, mocking face.

Distantly, he realizes the floor has cracked under his feet.

Kan sends his fist forward, his entire body moving with the punch as the entirety of Kan's energy reserves hits Neferpitou right on the face. 

The fire dispels. Kan lowers his fist. Neferpitou is _grinning_ at him, unscarred.

"That was very good!" she congratulates him as she pets his head. "I actually felt that! You are strong!"

Kan blinks. His nen flow rearranging itself back to normal, energy circulating through him and sweeping the cold away. "...Thank you very much, Neferpitou-sama." he tells her. What else is there to say?

Neferpitou-sama puts her hand against his stomach, and with a short burst of energy Kan is thrown away just as the elk ant did. 

He isn't hurt, not really, but he still lies where he landed, staring at the ceiling, until Rammot eventually declares Kan's unobtrusive presence a nuisance and yells at him to leave.

* * *

"I met Neferpitou-sama today." Kan says as soon as he sees Polly later that day. Polly, who was lothering on top of a tree, promptly falls off. 

"What?!" she exclaims, scrambling to stand up and grab Kan's shoulders. "Why?! The zones you and Pitou like to be around don't overlap!" 

Kan blinks. "I didn't know you paid attention to where she liked to stay." He doesn't say he's surprised Polly knows the places Kan frequents because he isn't. At all. 

Polly rolls her head. "I just happen to know." she huffs, moving to lean against the tree she fell from and covering her body with her wings. 

"She's very strong." Kan says as he goes to rest his back on the same tree. "The air turned to needles just by being near her." 

"Yeah, I figured." 

"She said she 'felt it' when I hit her though, so that's something, right?"

"Wha- YOU!!" Polly goes to grab his shoulders again. "YOU DID WHAT?!" 

Kan shrugs "She asked me to." he very helpfully explains. 

Polly stares at him with her mouth hanging open for another moment, and then starts, just, _patting_ his chest and neck and head. "What are you doing?"

"I'm just," she mumbles, not stopping as she moves to touch his arms. "I'm making sure you're actually alive and here and whole." 

Kan snorts. "I'm fine. Neferpitou-sama didn't even hurt me!" 

"Really?"

"Yep!"

Polly… doesn't seem actually relieved. Hm. "And… you're ok? Like, _really_ ok?"

Kan thinks about when he concentrated energy into that fist, how for a moment, just a moment, he really hoped the punch would hurt Neferpitou-sama. How he felt weirdly empty when it didn't.

"I'm fine!" He smiles. Whatever that was, there's no point in worrying others with it, least of all Polly. 

Polly finally seems to relax at that, just a bit, showing him a small smile. "I guess that's fine then." she says.

* * *

There's a report of a human with a rifle. 

Which is _normal._ Kan's heard the armed humans were a huge problem when they were first found, but nowdays that they got more resources and the use of nen is widespread, guns are par for the course. 

What _is_ weird is that out of a group of 70, only one survivor came back to tell, then died because of her injuries. 

"It's got to be a rare human!" Zazan says, "There's no other explanation!"

"Wasn't that group in Meleoron's squadron though?" says Alligator, "Half of his troops can't even use nen, maybe they really were just weak enough for a human with a gun to take them out."

"All the officers under my command can use it." replies Meleoron, appearing for a second only to disappear again right after.

"See? It's a rare human!" Zazan exclaims, "I'll move my men to hunt it right away!"

"Wait, don't be impulsive." Colt admonishes, "We shouldn't rush blindly without knowing the true strength of the enemy."

"And who said you could be the one to hunt it, Zazan?!" exclaims Cheetu, "Clearly it should be me who gets to fight the rare human!" 

"Ehhh, and what makes you more apt than me, Cheetu?"

"Didn't my squadron bring the most prey last week? Clearly we deserve it!"

"Actually our number was higher." Kan says from the corner where he's sitting, because, well, it _is_ true. Since they take care of clean ups after other squadrons had their fun, it's natural that the leftovers eventually build up.

"Does the pick up team really think they can claim the rare human?" Zazan asks, glaring at Kan. Behind her, Polly shakes her head frenetically and gestures with her hands for him to _shut the hell up Kan what the fuck do you think you're doing_ _oh my God_

"Ah, I didn't say anything-" he starts to backpedal when Peggy interrupts.

"It's true that Shiro has experience scouting–"

"My name's Polly now."

"–And we still don't know the exact location of the human with the gun, so it might be a good idea."

"You can't be serious!" Alligator exclaims, "It's the pick up team we're talking about!"

"Hey! I'm stronger than you!" Polly argues and goes ignored. She then adds, "Wouldn't it be more effective to send Flutter?" ...That goes ignored too. 

"I say we let them. Even if the moth dies it'll be fun to see, and it will give us an idea of how strong it really is." Hagya says.

"Hagya!" Zazan frowns. "You can't be serious about letting the _pick up team_ keep the rare human!"

"I just don't think they'll win is all."

"Eh, whatever." Bloster shrugs. 

"The most apt for the task should take it." Bihorn nods. 

"Then it's decided." Welfin says.

"Wait, I didn't offer myself for this!" Polly protests.

At the end, it's probably her clear discomfort with the idea of taking the task what ends convincing the other squadron leaders to force that on her. The higher-ups can be sadistic like that. 

"I'm _never_ letting you accompany me to a meeting again." Polly mutters to Kan as they're leaving. And, ah, well, that's fair, he can't argue with that. 

* * *

"Stop following me." Polly says as she lands next to Kan for what's got to be the fifth time today.

"No." Kan answers. Polly groans. 

Polly takes off again, and Kan runs after. She purposely tries to lose him, flying over forests and trying to hide in clouds, but they're going against the wind so she can't go at max speed, and today the sky is almost completely clear, so Kan barely has difficulty keeping up.

"Why are you like this?!" she yells as she lands, "I told you I would go alone!" 

"And I told you I wouldn't let you!" Kan replies.

Polly takes a deep, deep breath, and says: "Kan, I order you to let me go alone."

An animalistic, basic part of Kan's mind is hardwired to obey the command of a superior, the thought of not doing so almost painful to have, so he almost does. But, apparently, the capacity of worrying for someone he cares about is rooted even deeper, because he answers: "No!"

Polly takes a step back, as if struck. "How–"

"It might be dangerous, so I'm not letting you go alone!" Kan repeats.

Polly stares at him, conflicted, her antenna and wings moving in a nervios rhythm. Finally, her shoulders drop, resigned. 

"Fine, but if I say we leave, we leave. Understood?"

Kan nods. "Yes!"

"And we're only going to localize the rare human! We are _not, under any circumstances,_ fighting against him! Do you understand?!" 

"Understood!"

Polly sighs. "Let's go then. Based on the survivor the human should be at the North." 

  
  


At the end they don't really find the human. Rather, he finds them. 

They aren't even _close_ to the area they had estimated the human to be, even taking into account the time it would take him to mobilize from where he was seen originally, so it takes them by surprise. 

One moment Polly is overseeing a clearing as Kan follows from a nearby hill, the next there's a strong, sharp draught, as if the air itself was sliced in two, and last thing he knows Polly is rapidly descending in uneven bursts. 

Kan rushes towards the clearing, and reaches it just two seconds after she touches ground. 

Polly is on her knees, her winds covering her shoulders and an arm holding her right side. When Kan kneels beside her he gets to see the damage: Where one of her right arms should be, there's just a deep, ugly bleeding slash. 

"You're hurt." He mutters, hands hovering over the wound. 

"I'm ok." Polly says, "I was careless." 

From nearby, the sound of something approaching resonates, accompanied by the human stink. 

A human with long white hair, sword on hand, steps out of the treeline. Kan is immediately on his feet, teeth bare, but, just as quickly, Polly's hand shoots to hold his wrist and she staggers up. 

"What did I tell you?" She whispers. "We have to run." 

Kan eyes Polly's wound. Even if he carried her, won't the human's attacks reach them like they reached her while she was flying? 

"If I distract him, do you think you can still fly?"

"Don't." 

Kan takes a step forward and everything after happens too fast to process. A sword slicing the air, the feeling of electricity against his skin, and Polly's voice yelling _“Kite, wait!”_

The human twists the blade at the last second, so the blunt side is the one that hits Kan's head and everything

goes

black 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


_"Wake up!"_

_"Please, you can't do this again!"_

_"Please, wake up, please!"_

**_"Gon!"_ **

Kan opens his eyes. 

Polly's standing over him, her eyes wet with tears, a hand cupping his face as the other two hold onto his shoulders. 

"I'm alright." He mutters, and she rests her head under his chin, taking big gulps of air as if trying to calm herself down, face firmly pressed against Kan's neck... Her fluffy collar tickles a little.

Over her head, Kan can see the human from earlier, standing some distance away. He's got this expression, a frown on his face, this twist on his mouth, and Kan just _knows_ he's... Sad? Angry? and maybe also confused. 

Without saying a word nor attempting to fight, the human turns around and walks away, disappearing between the trees. Kan lets him, instead focusing on moving a hand up and down Polly's back, fitting right under her wings. "I'm alright, Polly." He repeats. "I'm alright." 

* * *

There isn't any set place for the ants to sleep, it wouldn't make sense from a logistical standpoint, with how everyone works at different hours, in different places, to go and make a common bedroom. And it also wouldn't make sense for everyone to get their own room, being mere cogs under the Queen's rule and all that. Instead everyone is just supposed to rest whenever and wherever they feel like it, as long as it doesn't interrupt their duties, that's how it's meant to be… And still, most people end finding little corners here and there, and claim them as their own. Not real rooms, but there's still a sense of belonging strong enough most of them would kick anyone who dares to lay on their spots.

Kan stands from where he is, on a tall tree he's made his bed, from which he can perfectly see the sky, and walks into the nearby nest. He moves to the floors below, the few ones that extend underground, and into a small, unoccupied space near a storage room.

Kan doesn't mind sleeping under the sun, doesn't have any preference one way or the other. Polly though, she _hates_ resting with any lights on, can't stand the sun rising while she's trying to sleep, always calls it distracting and then covers her face with her wings. He... supposes it's to be expected, for someone who doesn't have eyelids and all that.

Seeing as their squadron moves constantly between working in the morning and the evening, and since sometimes even the moon is far too bright for her, it isn't really a surprise she picked somewhere that stays in constant, complete darkness as her sleeping spot.

He rests himself on the rock tile next to the other warm body in the room and doesn't say anything, but puts his face against her back, under the fluff on her neck. 

Polly moves a wing from under her, and rests it over him. It's warm, just a bit, like a blanket, and Kan finds himself snuggling closer. He rests a hand on her side, where the bandage is.

"How is your wound?"

"It's ok. It'll heal." Polly replies. 

_"Who is ‘Gon’?"_ Kan asks. The way Polly stiffens at that is _not_ his imagination. 

"I don't know, who's that?"

"You were calling me that, earlier, after the human attacked us... You called it by a name too. Kite, I think."

"Did I?"

"Yes."

"You must have imagined it."

_"I didn't."_

"You were unconscious, and concussed, you dreamed it."

"...Come on, just tell me. I wanna know."

"...Do you?"

"Why wouldn't I?"

A pause. Then

"...I really don't know who that Gon person is. Go to sleep, Kan."

"Liar."

"Am not!"

"Are too!"

"Hey, watch the claws!"

"Oh, sorry."

"Honestly… I don't know. I'm sure it's not important, anyway." She sighs, her body relaxing, just a bit. "Let it go, will you?"

Kan pouts, he's about to start arguing more, about how he's curious and wants to know and they're friends so she should tell him, when Polly speaks again. 

"Speaking of names, I'm changing mine."

"...Huh. Again?"

"Yeah."

"Well, what is it now?" 

"Moth."

"Moth?" Kan asks, surprise coloring his voice. "Really? Isn't that too on the nose?" 

"Hey, I'm not the only one doing that!" Moth argues as they kick Kan on the shin. "Most soldiers follow that naming pattern, come to think of it. Leave me off the hook."

"Doesn't that make it even more unoriginal if everyone is doing it too?" Moth kicks him again.

"Shut up and go to sleep." They grumble. Kan rolls his eyes, but he does go back to rest his face against the small of Moth's back, eyes closing. 

"Goodnight, Moth."

"...Night, Kan." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Something about the scene when Kan's abt to punch Neferpitou bothers me. I'm not sure what is wrong exactly, it's supposed to be a strong scene, the quick change in tone shows how quickly Kan's emotions changed from neutral to hatred to neutral again, and the narration slows down while describing his rage to be like, poetic or whatever, it's meant to give you a strong mental image, a good sense of his hatred in that moment, it's meant to give it, like, weight, a slow section in a story that's for the most part quick paced, but when I reread it the long description of the nen going to his fist just feels very cheesy and flowery and overly dramatic. 
> 
> What do you think? Is it just me? Did you actually feel something on that section or did you go "Wow the author is really trying and really failing here."????
> 
> Also this part: 
> 
> _Polly finally seems to relax at that, just a bit, showing him a small smile. "I guess that's fine then." she says._  
>  Again, not a strong sentence at all. I mean the scene is a bit of a breather before introducing Kite, but just because the scene is light-hearted doesn't mean it can't end with a good line and that "I guess that's fine then." Is not strong at all. 
> 
> I don't know what to change it for though, like, in the entire story Killua is supposed to be a little weirded out but nevertheless accepting of Kan, who has no memories of when he was Gon, here he's seeing Kan is (apparently) alright with interacting with their killer, and ofc Killua isn't like, OK with that, but also he knows it's probably for the better that way so, what else do I make him say other than "I guess that's fine then."? Ugh I suck at dialogue, I suck so much at dialogue. I suck at narration too
> 
> Also I'm running out of names for Killua. Give me names. Preferably related to the fact he's a Moth. 
> 
> Like, I got Shiro cause he's white, Polly cause Moth is Polilla in spanish, I got Moth cause he's a Moth, Garuda from Eupithecia garuda, etc, but I'm running out... It has to be related to the fact he's a moth tho, can't be related to any other relevant trait of his character cause his constantly changing of names as well as gender is a representation of how he's trying to run away to a new identity. At the end of the story he'll change his name to Killua and it'll be like, powerful, cause it'll be him finally deciding he can't run away from who he is and stuff. Hm moth names moth names....

**Author's Note:**

> Once (if) I finally finish the story I'm planning on going back to (heavily) edit it, and if by then I still think it reads better compiled in a single chapter I might also do that. So, just so you're aware this isn't really the final version. 
> 
> Feel free to add ideas on the comments of things you think might be a cool addition to the story! Or if there's something you think should be changed! No promises I'll actually add it but it might help! After all, I'm posting this here because I've finally decided to admit I'm stuck with this wip.  
> Please, feel free to be brutal with your critique too!! So I can edit it properly! And make it better!!


End file.
